We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve

The first time I asked myself, "What have I done to deserve this?" I was in sixth grade. I was at recess and we were playing tag. I was never a fast kid and I was out of shape, kind of chubby (my parents owned the local Dairy Queen so that really should explain it all) so I had a tendency to ALWAYS be "it" and NEVER be capable of tagging ANYONE. It was lunch recess, I was standing there, being "it", and the group of girls who were my friends, but not really because they were uber mean to me as only 6th grade girls can be, stood in a line and stared at me, daring me to tag them with their eyes, knowing I could never catch them. I put my face in my hands and dramatically thought, "What have I done to deserve this?"
I would think that line many more times over the years. I would think it in seventh and eighth grade when that same group of girls multiplied by more even meaner girls who made my life a living Hell. A person really doesn't know what "vicious" is until they have meet a junior high girl with a vendetta.
I would think it again and again in high school as my heart was repeatedly broken. I always thought about it dramatically, I may have a touch or a flair for the theatrics, and with a deep sigh and wonder, "WHY ME?" Unfortunately, the times would come when I would think it sincerely, with a dropped head, a tear on my cheek and a heavy heart. These times happened when I would get made fun of at the Student Council convention by my high school's entire student council; the numerous times I got rejected for dances; the three years I spent without a boyfriend or being made fun of by the boys in my high school; the first two years when I shared the high school with my older brother and apparently could do nothing but embarrass him on a daily basis; the countless times I struggled with my depression and anxiety, my anorexia and bulimia.
College consisted of the same thing: dramatically asking myself "What have I done to deserve this?" while puking during a massive hangover to asking myself while I sobbed uncontrollably at all hours, trying to figure out what was "wrong with me" or "why couldn't I get my life together".
During all this time, I never thought "clearly I deserve this" (although looking back clearly sometimes I brought situations on myself). I never thought I deserved something, I never thought I deserved these bad things or situations. I always believed that I was being unfairly punished, that I didn't deserve my depression/anxiety (I still don't, by the way) or the boys being mean to me or the classes I didn't pass (well, it happens when you don't go to class) or the teachers who didn't like me (also happens when you don't go to class).
Recently, within the last 6 months, I have been asking myself this question yet again. "What have I done to deserve this?" but now, it was for a positive thing. I have been fortunate enough to meet the man of my dreams, my soul mate, my other half. I am become blissfully happy in this aspect. My son has the most wonderful role model and male-figure in his life. I have someone with whom I can laugh, love and share the daily joys and despairs of life. So now I am asking myself,  yet again, "What have I done to deserve this?" Definitely my son deserves this  but why me? Why do I deserve to be incredibly happy? What have I done to deserve to fall head over heels in love? Whenever I slip into the crook of his arm, the place that was clearly carved out especially to fit me, I think how lucky I am but WHY?
Do you find yourself questioning what you have in your life? Do you question the good along with the bad? Do you wonder why you have a fabulous son but a crazy mother? Or do you just sit back and handle it all? Are you one of those who thinks there is an ultimate plan for life? That Fate exists? Or that everything happens for a reason? I don't know what I believe but I know what I DON'T believe. I don't think there is an ultimate plan, I like to think that I am in charge of my destiny. I like to think that Matt and I met at the right place at the right time. I honestly don't know what I have done to deserve such a loving relationship but I will take it and not for granted. I will work at it every damn day and I will work at being a good mother every day, too. I will love my son and my boyfriend with every fiber of my being and try to be the best person I can be, not only for their sakes' but for mine as well.
Maybe I should stop asking, "What have I done to deserve this?" and instead ask, "What can I do to hold on  to the good?" and "What needs to change and how can I change it?" Nothing lasts, I truly believe that, but that doesn't mean that things will get shitty, they might, but it also means that things can evolve, can grow, can get better. My education can get better, I can start showing up to class, can start doing my readings, get my ass in gear. My son will continue to grow, will test limits, will drive me crazy, will astound me and will make my heart grow beyond its limits. Matt will continue to show me what it means to be a woman, a girlfriend, will help me be a mother and a human being.
In his book The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Stephen Chomsky writes "We accept the love we think we deserve." I don't know if I agree with this, I think we are given love others think we deserve and we learn to live up to it. We see how they love us, we see how they see us, at least in part, and we want to be that person, we want to be as good as they see us. I want to be the woman my son thinks I am, I want to be the woman Matt believes I am. Do I deserve to be that woman? Maybe not, but they sure as Hell deserve a woman that good and that woman is going to be me.